Out of Sugar

Launch: Eat To Live

Several weeks ago, TDM asked me if I wanted to work out with a personal trainer a few times a week and share the cost. I agreed because I (begrudgingly) know it would be very good for me and because I thought it would be months and months away after all her reconstruction stuff was completed. Apparently she's all cleared to begin whenever she wants as long as she doesn't over-do it so I was completely duped - but that's a story for another day.

Not long after that, TDM asked me if I wanted to participate in a health workshop being sponsored by her company, "6 Weeks to a Healthier You." It seemed a tiny bit cheesy for my taste (and hers) but I agreed - in part because I know she's been feeling motivated to lose some weight and I want to support her, and in part because when am I ever NOT feeling like I need to lose some weight? No matter how basic or cheesy or dull the presentations, I figured it certainly wouldn't hurt to immerse myself in positive encouragement and educational information every Tuesday night.

Naturally, I began to think that this 6-week commitment was also a good time to kickstart a renewed effort to eat better. I started researching "vegan gastric bypass" looking for information for J ... she has also been talking about losing weight and since we do eat about 30% of our meals together, I wanted a final answer on the whole "meat as the only effective source of protein for gastric bypass patients" - she believes it is, I can't believe that it is. It's an important bit of info because eating with J means eating a lot more meat than I ever have (and more than I want to). I know that reducing the amount of meat in my diet would benefit my weight loss efforts but it's been a challenge when my roommate (who does nearly all of the dinner cooking) is convinced she (and therefore everyone) needs a meat protein with every meal. (PS: there are post-GB vegetarians out there who are healthy and happy, FYI).

Anyway, in the course of my search, I came across many glowing references to Dr. Joseph Fuhrman's Eat to Live book(s) and that set me off on a new trail. I liked what I read and bought the book the next day. I decided to follow the program for the 6 weeks of the workshop. I updated TDM on my intentions and she and her girlfriend are also enthusiastically on board.

So here we are on day 3 and all of us are surviving with a lot of curiosity, bravery, and humor. It's a bit of a shock to go from a typical American diet (maybe only 'mostly typical' as none of us are heavy soda or fast-food ingesters) to a vegan diet. Yes, I really did say vegan - plus no salt, caffeine, or oil and limited whole grains and starchy veggies. We're dutifully making the recipes and shoveling raw produce into our mouths in quantities not seen before. The focus of Dr. Fuhrman's lifestyle plan is nutrient-rich eating ... ingesting the needed amounts of vitamins, minerals, fiber, etc. from the foods we eat and avoiding hazardous foods (sugar, processed anything, oils, sodium). I'm only through the 3rd chapter of the book, but so far it has explained in great detail many things I kinda sorta knew but didn't really know. Sodium isn't great. Olive oil isn't a health food. How the body processes the food we eat - in very specific detail. It's actually very interesting.

There's a promise of fairly rapid weight loss which is appealing to both TDM and me ... because the only weight being lost at my house is (finally) by my dog (down 2 pounds and showing early signs of a recovering waistline!)**

 

By day 3, one recipe has stood out so far ... the 'Eat Your Greens' smoothie. TDM makes retching noises due to the spinach content, but has promised to try it after my glowing (forceful) recommendation. Yes, there's 5oz of raw spinach involved, which is the equivalent of an entire blender. It's a lot of spinach. However, I can tell you honestly that you don't taste it. There is a light grassy essence (not taste); but mostly the berries and banana come through. The recipe as published makes enough for 2 servings ... I've added my notes (like this).

Eat Your Greens Smoothie

 - 5 oz baby spinach (fresh spinach, not frozen)
 - 1 banana
 - 1 cup fresh or frozen blueberries (frozen will give the smoothie more body than fresh)
 - 1/2 cup unsweetened soy, hemp, or almond milk (I used soy)
 - 1/2 cup pomegranate juice or other unsweetened fruit juice (I used POM)
 - 1 tablespoon ground flaxseeds (definitely use ground, not whole)

Blend all ingredients in a high powered blender until smooth and creamy (I added the soy milk and pomegranate juice with the spinach and blended that first before adding the blueberries and banana. Flaxseeds went in last). 

 

The smoothie ends up a beautiful purple shade ... but the blender reveals its very green (and very healthy) origins. I felt great after drinking this smoothie - I literally noticed that I felt good, which is kind of cool. Make it yourself this week - let me know in the comments how you like it.

  


** A post-script on diet dog food:

I've tried multiple high-quality diet dog foods in the past few years with no results. I switched my favorite hefty boy to Wellness brand Core Reduced-Fat Recipe in February and he's finally shedding the lbs. Of course, it could also be from the hallway sprints he's added to his daily schedule - guess what happens twice a day behind that door? :)

 

 

I Think I've Lost My Damn Mind

Okay - for real now. What on earth possessed me to think I could start jogging?! Thursday's schedule was walk 5 minutes, jog 8 minutes, walk 5 minutes. I had my Downton Abbey all set and had no doubt in my mind that I could do it - positive attitude fully in place.

Oh. My. God.

5 minute walk? No problem. Then the jog. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 minutes, no problem. 6-ish minutes, no problem. Heading into 6:20 I started thinking "there is no way I can do this for another minute and a half" - and by 7 minutes I was starting to fall apart. The ONLY thing that kept me going was the frantic thought: "I don't want to start all over. I don't want to start all over. I don't want to start all over" ... the logic being that if I failed at the 8-minute jog, I'd have to redo the 8-minute jog until I could complete it. I made it but it was painful in a way that made me wonder if it was possible to actually give myself a heart attack from jogging for 8 minutes.

I realized that because I have spent my entire life avoiding exercise, I don't really know what my body is and is not capable of. I don't have any idea what a 'safe' threshold would be - or when I might be crossing it. There was a distinct difference between how all the previous jogs felt and how I felt at the end of that 8 minutes ... I felt awful. In comparison I can say that adding each minute has been tough in a physical but also psychological way; I am simply not used to pushing myself physically. 5 minutes, 6 minutes, and 7 minutes were hard - I definitely had to force myself to keep going despite my legs feeling tired, my breathing being super heavy, and a persistent feeling of "I want to stop right now." The difficulty with 8 minutes was pushing beyond all of that AND dealing with the very strong feeling that I couldn't physically keep going. My breathing was totally fucked up during that last minute, like I was not taking in enough oxygen. And my body was physically tired - the final 30 seconds I was holding on the the sides of the treadmill for support. After my final 5 minute walk and a few more minutes at an even slower pace, I started really doubting if this whole Couch to 5k program was possible for a person of my size. It's not like obese people can just take up running - or can they? All the C25k sites are all about "we can get you from couch potato to completing a 5k no matter what!" but what if they mean it's only possible for normal people? "Normal" being people who aren't obese.

I tried to find information on how fast I'm supposed to be running, hoping that my 3.7 mph speed is too fast. Nope - all the bulletin boards and comment threads I read indicated that people - beginner people, "normal" beginner people - are walking at about 3 mph and running at 4 to 5 mph. Damn. My plunge into doubt continued.

I did find one site (I can't remember which one) that had this to say: "I am often asked how fast you should run and walk on the treadmill. The answer is that you should run as slowly as possible. In fact, if you can run more slowly, you are probably running too fast. Speed will come over time (after you have finished the program). With the walking, just walk at a nice brisk pace."

Hmmm. I think I am walking at a good pace, but I probably could run more slowly - like at 3.5 mph. But should I? Despite what that person said, I am having trouble overriding the notion in my head that going slower would be a step backward and I'm not a fan of going backward - especially not with an exercise program.

Then I googled "obese Couch to 5k" and the first result took me to a great post that also supported slowing down a bit and giving myself a break. The real issue I have is this: because I've never really exercised, in addition to not knowing how much is too much, I also don't know when to give myself a break because I need a break vs. just *thinking* I need a break because it's hard and I don't want to do it. You know what I mean? Am I doing too much too fast or am I trying to wimp out and convince myself that I can't do it when I really could if I would just try? It's tough to navigate. So Sadhbh's (irish girl, pronounced "Sive" like "five") post was helpful. She describes herself this way: "while I can wriggle into a size 14, I tip the scales at 85kg. And at 5”5, that puts me well into the obese territory of BMI. I’m a big build, huge shoulders, lots of muscle, small bum and strong legs. But there’s lots of fat there too. And a beer belly. Don’t forget that belly. I can witter all I want about big build, but I am also simply overweight and out of shape." Sound familiar? She's 5'5" and 187 pounds so I definitely outweigh her - both in actual pounds and proportion - but I can relate to her and found the following extremely helpful:

"It’s fine to repeat, repeat, repeat. The program tells you that it’s fine to repeat weeks, but in the initial flushes of enthusiasm, you imagine yourself cruising straight through it and on to 10k runs in Olympic time in under 4 months. This will not happen. Sooner or later you will have a bad week, whether you get ill, or work gets crazed or you’re just finding it too tough. There is nothing wrong with repeating a week, the object is build your muscles and stamina. It is fine to stagger along at your own pace. You’re building, not breaking, take your time."

Even more helpful? This bit:

"Judge yourself more fairly. This is not a “winning is taking part, and it’s okay to fail” speech. That’s bollocks. Having perpetually low expectations of yourself and then failing to meet them gets you no awards and won’t help get you fitter. You can do the Couch to 5k, if you take it at your own rate."

Take it at my own rate. Got it. I'm not a failure if I don't do the program exactly as written from start to finish. The goal is to get through it, not push myself so hard that I add minutes before I'm ready and then equate not being physically ready for more minutes with not being physically capable of doing the program at all.

So I took a big step and decided to repeat this whole week. Instead of doing 9 minutes on Saturday, I did 6 (and did it on Sunday because Saturday was derailed by other, unexpected stuff) and will do 7 on Tuesday. Then I'll try 8 minutes again on Thursday and see how it goes.

And of course my inner Excel geek had to create a whole new chart to keep track of this new schedule. (Want an excel doc of your very own? Email me.)

 

1.2 Miles

Alright, it's been done. Tonight I walked/jogged over a mile - 1.2 miles to be exact, just under 40% of 5k.

It was to be a 4 minute jog, 5 minute walk, 4 minute jog, 5 minute walk. Unfortunately I've been sick since Tuesday so it went like this: 4 minute jog, 1.5 minute walk, 2.5 minute (stationary) coughing fit and recovery, 3.5 minute walk, 4 minute jog, 5 minute walk, 7 minute cool down walk until the end of the Downton Abbey episode.

A note about 'entertainment' during exercise ... many people enjoy dance tunes to kick their energy into high gear. I have found that music keeps me too inside my head - and therefore too focused on the fact that I'm exercising. I prefer visual entertainment instead. And, I recently discovered, it needs to be entertaining entertainment - no educational stuff allowed. I made the mistake last week of trying to watch a TED talk during my walk/jog and I'm pretty sure time was actually moving BACKWARDS. Never again. I've just finished season 1 of Downton Abbey and I'm hooked (oh, sweet Anna. I feel your pain, my dear). I'm using my lust for the Abbey as further motivation to keep on the C25k schedule by only allowing myself to watch when I work out. One session is about half an episode ... I have to carefully dole them out so I don't run out of season 2 episodes before I can get season 3 on my iPad. It's a precarious situation.

So the mile has been reached and exceeded ... 7 minutes looms for Saturday. Stay tuned.

Exercise

It's true. I'm exercising. I don't actually want to talk about it - instead, I'd rather pretend it's not happening. But it is.

The back story:

J owns multiple pieces of very expensive exercise equipment and (like exercise equipment in thousands of homes across the land), in the 5 or so years she's owned them, I'd guess they've been used less than 20 times. More than 9 months ago she decided that she was going to set up a gym in half the garage in order to finally start using the equipment. (Ah yes, THAT'Sbeen the problem all along - bad feng shui or something.) But she couldn't just clean the garage and move the equipment ... she had to insulate and drywall and mud and tape and paint and paint again and install an access panel to the electrical outlet and put up a curtain and bulletin boards and then clean and clean again and then deep clean the equipment and purchase a space heater so the garage gym can be nice and toasty when she finally goes to exercise. Somewhere around early January I started to be annoyed with it all ... mostly because the door to the garage is right outside my room and down the hall from my de facto living room and it was just so much noise and commotion ALL THE TIME. 

Well, that and the relentless complaints about how much weight she's gained recently and how she needs to exercise but it's too cold/dark/rainy to go running. But still talking about going running and posting about going running all over Facebook. In general, acting like a runner and advertising as a runner but not actually *being* a runner. When she has like $12,000 worth of exercise equipment sitting in her garage that she bought specifcally becuase of the unreliable Seattle weather. So it became this trigger for me almost every day ... just another thing to add to my list of all the things she does and says that aren't actually real or truthful and good god haven't I had enough of that in my life recently?

And here is where I stop the rant and acknowledge that WOW I can descend into some crazy judgement and yes, I understand that part of the reason I am so extremely annoyed by J talking about stuff that she doesn't follow through on is because I am so extremely annoyed with myself for all the stuff that I don't follow through on. Dammit.

It was around this time that I came across a Couch to 5k schedule online (okay, let's be real, it was on Pinterest) and found myself saying things like "2 minute jog? I could totally jog for 2 minutes" followed by "Huh. That leads to a 3 minute jog. If I work up to it, maybe I could jog for 3 minutes. Yeah, I could totally jog for 3 minutes." I was in a very irrational frame of mind, as you can tell. But it started a nagging spiral of "how many times have I thought of doing the C25k program without ever actually doing it and isn't that the exact thing that I find so annoying about J and (you can all see where this is going ...) maybe I should just do it for chrissakes." And then once I said it I kinda had to follow through, right? DAMMIT.

It was a Top Secret decision (as I prefer that no one knows if I fail myself) but I started and now that I've started I am determined - if a bit terrified - to finish. Last night was Day 16 (including the 'relax' days off) and I jogged for 6 minutes. I feel compelled to immediately defend my measly 6 minutes by reminding the readers that I am a lethargic, sedentary 40 year old woman who is 80ish pounds overweight and has never intentionally jogged in my life. Are we clear on all that? Okay, so lets get back to my original point which is that I jogged 6 minutes in a row and that's an accomplishment for me and I'm trying to give myself kudos even though it totally makes me uncomfortable. And now, to deflect the discomfort, let's look at where I'm at in the C25k schedule.

 

Tomorrow they shake things up a bit and instead of starting with walking, I'm starting with a 4 minute jog ... and then another 4 minute jog after a round of walking. Don't tell anyone, but I can totally do 4 minutes. I jogged 6 minutes yesterday! I'm invincible in the face of 4 minutes! I'm sure my confidence will last me through my Friday 'relax' day (haircut, yay!) but on Saturday I have to jog 7 minutes and I will tell you honestly that I'm not sure I can do it - 6 minutes was tough. One day at a time, though - I'm working on not worrying about what is ahead ... if they tell me that I will jog 17 minutes by day 49, then I guess I will jog 17 minutes on day 49. I will continue to block out day 70 as long as possible.

Tomorrow will be another milestone in the Exercise Chronicles: I will hit a mile as my total walk/jog distance. Remember the whole overweight 40-year old disclaimer above? Keep it in mind. A mile isn't a long distance, I know. When I first moved to Seattle I often walked Green Lake which is 2.8 miles. The key word there is 'walk' ... there is something infinitely more impressive (to me)when you add 'jog' to the mix. I have for years driven past people jogging ('running' seems to be the preferred nomenclature, but I'm going to call it 'jogging' because IT'S JOGGING, PEOPLE) and it has always felt completely out of my reach. People doing 5ks and 10ks and half marathons? Yikes - like where would you even begin, you know? Even J ... despite my complainey judgement up there, she is a runner. She can actually put on tennis shoes and jog for several miles. MILES. A normal run for her is around 4 - 6 miles. MILES. I am not trying to be funny when I say that I don't even want to walk 4 - 6 miles.

So tomorrow when I do my walk/jog combo and watch the ticker go past a mile, I'm going to feel really good about myself and that's not something I feel very often. A last glimpse at .978 ...

PS: I 'walk' at 2.7 miles per hour. I 'jog' at 3.7 miles per hour. Then I walk another 4 - 5 minutes at about 2 miles per hour to avoid 'treadmill legs'.

The Realities of Gaining The Weight Back

Well, off to a limping start.

It seems like only a week ago I was listing my current goals, one of which was to limit refined sugar to just once per week until my birthday. In reality, it was LESS than a week ago ... and it's not going so well.

I went to Portland this weekend to do some kamikaze yard work before my new renter moves in. My house was looking super sad and neglected and like a rental <<shudder>>so I knew I wanted to finish the cleanup I started a month ago. This weekend was carpet stain removal, attempted microwave repair, de-blackberrification of the raised garden beds, and the spreading of bark mulch. As it turns out, it was the spreading of SIX YARDS of bark mulch. Oh my aching back. Literally.

J came with me because she wanted to buy her new Macbook Pro tax-free and because I really needed the help with the mulch. We drove down Friday night and woke up pretty early Saturday morning given that we didn't sleep all that well. (... something about the house being absolutely freezing because the tiny wall heaters take several hours to heat up the living room without the help of the gas fireplace as the effing property manager had turned the gas off without telling me - don't get me started on that guy. Did I mention I also have a gas hot water heater? No hot water, no hot showers, nothing. There was anger.)

Where was I? Ah yes - Saturday morning. So. It's Saturday morning in Portland and J is going to have an anneurism if I don't get her coffee drip started stat. If I'm in Portland and already driving to NE Portland for a load of mulch, the coffee is definitely going to come from Jim & Patty's. And since it is breakfast time, we'd better have a breakfast sandwich too, right? Good, hearty breakfast. And what's that? A new treat in the case? What on earth is a Coconut Zombie? When it's my turn at the register, I order and innocently ask Jim (yes, that Jim)about the Coconut Zombies. He says something about their donut muffin dough dipped in a special orange sauce and coated in toasted coconut. Hmmm. I love their donut muffins. I love their orange rolls. I'm okay with toasted coconut. So I order one and reach into the bag for a nibble while waiting for my iced latte.

Oh. My. God.  

[cue heavenly music and choirs of angels ...]

Listen to me now. If you live within a 2 hour radius of Jim & Patty's, cancel all your plans this Saturday and get yourself in line for a Coconut Zombie. I mean yes - sugar is evil. But I can't in good conscience encourage you to carry on without eating at least one Coconut Zombie. In advance: I'm sorry and you're welcome.

Okay. Enough of that. The real lesson of this weekend (besides the fact that I'm weak for the Zombies) is that I spread lots of bark mulch and I did it while weighing approximately 30 pounds more than the last time I spread mulch at my house.

The summer of 2009 was a great summer ... I was in love, I had lost 50 pounds, I looked good, I felt great, and I spent lots and lots of time in the yard. I can remember coming home from work, having my favorite dinner of Eating Right Macaroni & Cheese and canned green beans (don't be a hater - I love them), and heading outside to shovel and spread mulch for a couple hours. I loved it. It felt so good and productive.

Fast forward to late winter of 2012 ... I'm 30 pounds heavier than I was then and shoveling and spreading mulch this weekend SUCKED ASS. It was strenuous labor and by the end I was a pathetic weepy mess just wanting it to be over. I will spare you the description of my breakdown after hacking 8 blackberry roots out of my raised garden bed - I didn't have the right shovel and I was tired and feeling so extremely fat and out of shape and there may have been the throwing of a tool across the yard just before bursting into tears. Frustrating times.

Though I can feel the fact that I'm fat most of the time, I am also very used to my body and so it doesn't always register how big I actually am - until I try to do something I can remember doing when I weighed less and it's insanely more difficult than I remember it to be.

I hate being fat. I want to lose weight. I'm feeling so overwhelmed by what it takes to do it. I want to re-find some motivation. I'm going to start looking.

PS: I am seriously grateful for J's help this weekend. I am quick to share my frustrations about how our many differences annoy me, but I could not have accomplished even half of what I did at the house this weekend without her help. She doesn't read this blog, but I karmically owe her the recognition.

40th Birthday in Sight ... Waistline Still Missing.

February 1st. I'm officially in the final weeks of 39. I'm not stressing over turning 40, though I do get a bit sentimental when I think of it as leaving my 30's - that's an entire decade, one I've been identifying with for, y'know, 10 years.

The promise and threat of 40 on the horizon has not sufficiently bolstered my determination to be 40 pounds lighter and back to the weight I was just prior to moving to Seattle. Life, y'all. Life is a challenge. I've had a rough few months and have subsequently lost almost all motivation for self care at this point. Not permanently, just right now. I suppose one could classify my mindset as a depression - and certainly I do feel depressed - but honestly it's more that I'm on a journey through some bad stuff and it's taking all my energy to get myself through it. I will get through it, but probably not while eating carrot sticks, lentils, and spending 30 minutes a day on the elliptical, all of which I know would probably make me feel better both in the present and in the future. But that's just not how it's going to go.

As I discussed in my last post on November 6th (waaay back then, before the real shit hit the fan), I'm not an emotional binge-eater. But I am off my routines and not having much success in reestablishing them. My sleep cycles are completely screwed up (a recurring issue), I'm not sleeping well once I do go to bed, I'm exhausted every day (a state that leads to poor food choices), and I'm having a hard time finding joy in my life, which makes it easy to believe that the mini Snickers (ever-present in an office environment) is the only thing that will get me through the day ... along with 7 or 8 of it's friends. And the mini bag of Cheeze-its. And the 40-billion calorie tuna sandwich from the bakery across the street. Every day. (note: that was last week. I have sworn off Specialty's for good. Or at least for February.)

For all the ways my looming 40th has not motivated me to diet, it has been beneficial in other ways. Remember the tropical birthday trip? The potential for upper arm-revealing tank tops that prompted the whole 40x40 plan in the first place? It's on - I leave the day after my birthday for an 11 day vacation that includes a day in Portland with my friends (who I continue to be massively grateful for), a day and a half with my parents to see their new house (and to let them buy me a ridiculously expensive birthday dinner), and then 7 days in Mexico in a small village on the west coast, in my own studio apartment on a dirt road, 3 minutes from the town plaza in one direction and 3 minutes to the beach in the other direction. Complete with hammock on the patio.

  


I'm kind of amazed that this vacation is happening - I've really had to push through a lot self-imposed crap: the aforementioned depression, guilt over taking that much time off work, guilt over spending the money (especially after a trip to Spain, a month and a half without a renter in my house, the expense of improvements at my house, and $450 in physical therapy copays for my damn shoulder), and going by myself (OH the guilt from J, and the dropped hints that she'd be totally available to go with). Shouldn't I be saving for The Property? Shouldn't I be paying off my debt? Money / guilt / money / guilt.

Going through the motions of getting it all figured out was stressful at times and more than once I was on the verge of scrapping the whole thing. But the reason I wanted to do this for my 40th birthday - to travel intentionally somewhere, not just because it was convenient (i.e. cheaper) because someone else already has a hotel room or a group is splitting the costs - is exactly what kept me focused on making it happen: This is my 40th birthday and I am going on this fucking trip. And you know what? It has come together perfectly and all my needs have been met ... I am traveling out of the country to a warm, tropical, not-excessively-touristy location. I am not staying in a hotel, there will not be swarms of Americans with sunburns, no in-room wifi, no swim-up bar, and no cabana boys bearing endless fruity umbrella drinks. I will buy local produce and fruit empanadas and fish tacos ("por favor, no cilantro"), and walk on the beach every day - or not if I don't feel like it. I will walk the few blocks to the (rumored) lesbian-owned cafe with my laptop and purchase cafe con leche y hielo and chocolate-dipped frozen bananas in order to use their wifi ... I may be nearly 40, but I'm not crazy enough to think I can get through a week without the internet. And how much will all of this cost? Lemme just break it down for you:

- Seattle to Portland: train, using a gift certificate J got me for Christmas. Cost = $0
- Portland to Phoenix to LAX: birthday present from Mom & Dad. Cost = $0
- LAX to Mexico to Seattle: 32,000 Frequent flyer miles plus taxes/fees. Cost = $80
- Studio (which received a thumbs up from a friend of a friend - thanks Facebook!), 7 nights: = $325

So. After all my fretting about money, the nuts and bolts of my perfect birthday trip have set me back $405. Plenty left in the piggy bank for eating authentic meals, taking the bus to Puerto Vallarta for some uber-touristy adventure, buying myself earrings - and let's not forget about the coffee/banana toll for the internet! The dollar to peso exchange rate is in my favor and I'm feeling good about it - a definite bright spot in the fog right now.

In summary ... I didn't lose the weight I wanted to, but I am doing what I can to take care of my mental health which is a bigger priority these days. Ultimately a healthy body is something I want and so I will try again very soon. The goals for now are: refined sugar just once per week until my birthday (um, there will so be cake - and banana cream pie), drinking more damn water (why is this so hard?), and staying off caffeine. Caffeine and I partied pretty hard in October, November and December which makes my face break out ... which just further erodes any threads of self-esteem I'm hanging on to. I've quit except for the occasional 'forgot to say decaf at Starbucks' slip-up that is just a matter of resetting the habit.

I'm hopeful that my vacation away from Seattle and my job and reminders of things I've loved and longed for and lost will help me to get my thoughts in better order. I believe I still have months of healing to do before I'll feel fully back in my own life after this 3.5 year roller coaster, but I have a smidge of of perspective and can recognize the stages of grief that I'm traveling. The end is ... if not yet in sight, it's at least understood to be coming at some point. I was in Denial for a looooooong time, I'm mostly through with Anger, I plan to skip Bargaining, I'm dealing with Depression, and I believe I will get to Acceptance eventually. Until it comes, I'm reading a lot, trying not to judge and punish myself too harshly, and repeating frequently in my best wise-woman voice:

40x40 - Progress Report. "Progress" Should Not Be Taken Literally

It's November 6th and I haven't been actively dieting for multiple weeks. My heart just isn't in it. My heart has been preoccupied with other stressful, confusing, anxiety-provoking stuff and an observation is that when I'm stressed, confused, and anxious I am not drawn to eating massive quantities of crap (the "drown your sorrows with food" approach) but rather I just lose all motivation to focus on myself. Scratch that - I do little else BUT focus on myself, I'm just focusing intently on everything that is bad and wrong instead of on things I *do* have control over, things I *could* be doing to make myself feel better. "Wallowing" I believe it's called.

I've been wallowing.

I'd like to report that I'm turning a corner on it, that I'm jumping right back on the Slow Carb bandwagon tomorrow morning and there will be no stopping me!

However, this blog is about the honest representation of life with food issues and the truth is that I'm feeling a bit 'meh' about the whole thing.

I mean seriously. I've resorted to inserting images of LOL cats. Cry for help?

I feel a renewed effort coming, but I'm not sure it's coming tomorrow. I did hard boil some eggs tonight which is a step in the right direction, but I believe they're only effective if you EAT them once you've hauled them to work in your cute BUILT neoprene lunch bag. I've fallen back into some bad habits:

 - Not giving myself enough time in the morning to make/eat breakfast at home
     - For the past week I've been driving through at Starbucks for an iced Americano or iced latte and a breakfast sandwich. It is food and it is ingested in the breakfast hour so that is slightly better than not eating anything until 1pm, but still ... overall not a great solution for the Breakfast-As-Most-Important-Meal-of-the-Day issue.

 - Going way too long between meals
     - Remember that breakfast sandwich? It's down the hatch by 9:30 at the latest and then sometimes I don't eat again until 3 or 4 ... at which time I'm starving and so eat whatever is within arm's reach, usually a snack item like a granola bar, gummy fruits, or many pieces of Halloween candy. Often a combination of the three. Thank god Halloween is over for the year.

 - Not planning ahead/not stopping to eat
     - Basically it's the extended version of "going way too long between meals" ... not bringing a lunch to work, or bringing at least something to work (like, say, hard boiled eggs) and just never taking a break to eat them, or staying at work late and then being too 'tired' to cook something at home and so picking up something at a restaurant. Not McDonalds, mind you, but Chipotle or chicken teriyaki or some other 'convenient' take out food that has way too many calories and fat and quantity.

I've been thinking about this 'birthday trip' for several months now ... the desire to plan an out-of-the-ordinary vacation for myself for my 40th birthday. Balmy, tropical location, nothing at all to do but just BE with occassional trips to town for meals and people watching. Tonight I watched the documentary "Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead" and one of the subjects took 10 days off work to stay at a lake-side resort in order to focus on his health. There is footage of him going on a walk in the woods. Just a 10 minute walk as that was his limit when he started, but still ... time away to focus on his health and all the thoughts and observations that come up with that. Made me expand my thinking in terms of this birthday trip ... maybe I should focus on it being more of a personal retreat than a vacaton. Fat farm? Yoga retreat? Juice Fast? It's hard to ignore the fact that it'd still be February in North America and therefore nowhere at all similar to the warm climate I've been looking forward to, but it's something to think about. And it could be less expensive than my Plan A which is a new consideration now that I've confirmed my trip to Spain.

The good news amidst all this malaise is that I haven't gained significantly. I really haven't gained at all, still hovering right in that 203-205 range. This ultimately is good news, as past experience has shown that usually when I stop dieting, I start eating and regain what I'd lost. I'm still down nearly 26 pounds and I'm feeling very confident that I can continue to maintain that loss until I get back on the wagon and start losing again. Technically I'm still within my ability to reach the 40 by 40 goal - I'll need to get back to it pretty soon, however. Stay tuned ...

40x40

Updated November 6, 2011  -  Most recent post is here.
Total pounds lost towards the 40x40 goal: 16.3
Total pounds lost in 2011: 25.7

Originally posted June 27, 2011
I turn 40 in late February of 2012. I generally shun time-based goals due to the claustrophobia [fear of failure] of being locked into a goal [accountability]. However, I've been clipping along at a satisfactory [slow] pace for months now and I have a 40th-birthday vacation [semi-] planned that will involve the donning of shorts and quite possibly a public display of my upper arms. It's time to kick things up a notch around here.

40 Pounds Gone By My 40th Birthday

Start Date: July 12, 2011
40th Birthday: February 24, 2012
Weekly Weigh-in Day: Saturday Daily
Blog-update Day: Wednesday When I can ... try the Subscribe link on the top left! :)
Chosen Method: Weight Watchers Slow Carb Diet
Average weekly loss needed to meet my goal: 1.21pounds
Percentage belief I can actually do this: 60% (as of 11/6/2011)
75% (as of 9/17/11)
70% (as of 8/20/11)
60% (as of 7/20/11)
10% (as of 7/13/11)
40% (as of 6/27/11)

Stay tuned!

40x40 - Week 5.5

I'm 5 and a half weeks into the 40x40 challenge and I'm down 9.4 pounds. Not too shabby. I've had some mental ups and downs, but I'm glad that overall the scale is just down.

A recent change is that I've switched eating plans. I still believe in Weight Watchers and encourage anyone looking to make an effort to lose weight to give Weight Watchers a try - you will lose weight if you follow the plan.

However, after 6 months on Weight Watchers, my weight loss was slowing to unacceptable levels - my fault entirely. I have issues with food. I am drawn to high-calorie, high-sugar, high-fat foods more than I'm drawn to healthy options. I can't distill my issues down to "I'm an emotional eater" or "I'm a stress eater" or "I'm a boredom eater" because all of those things are true and not true at various times ... I don't always eat crap when I'm stressed and sometimes I eat crap when I'm stressed. My issues are something else ... something that feels closer to addiction than reactionary eating. When I have a craving for something (never anything 'good'), I often can't resist it. Even when I recognize that I'm about to make a choice that doesn't support my weight-loss goals, even when I try to talk myself out of it, the part of me that wants Food Item X comes up with some reason why 'just this once' will be okay. 

With Weight Watchers, I was starting to work my addiction behavior into the plan - "oh, I can totally have frozen yogurt with peanut butter cups at 9pm because I only had zero-points carrots at lunch!" - in other words, I wasn't actually changing my eating habits, just tweaking things enough to minimize the impact of all the crap I was eating. The light bulb moment was eating 2 Weight Watchers frozen Fudgsicles at 10pm one night because I still had 6 points left. Was I hungry? Nope. Craving a fudgsicle? Mostly nope. But I "couldn't" go to bed with unused points and of course I didn't choose to have like a hard boiled egg or even some yogurt and berries ... it was straight to whatever sugar option was available, and one wasn't going to be enough if I had the points for two!!

WTF?! That's not exactly what I'm after.

The most success I've ever had losing weight and eating and feeling healthy was when I was off refined sugar (which is when I started this blog). I've tried a few times since moving to Seattle to launch that lifestyle again and haven't been able to ... whether due to emotional issues or stress or temptation or whatever, I just haven't been able to. But that kind of absolute, black and white, restricted content method was effective for me because the one thing I don't require from my food is excitement.

Enter the Slow Carb Diet, outlined by Tim Ferriss in his book The 4-Hour Body. A VGF introduced me to the book and the diet after trying it herself for 3 or 4 weeks. She lost 8 pounds and looked amazing when I saw her (as she usually does, but I'm a bit biased). I was hesitant when she first talked to me about it because it just seemed so ... fad-ish.  I didn't want to be all "Weight Watchers is too hard, I'm going for the newest weight loss gimmick!" - even though I know this particular VGF is not one to ever be sucked in by a gimmick. However, being a person with historical ties to Atkins, Nutri-System, R & D Diet Cookies, and other (in my opinion) unrealistic-for-long-term diets, I wasn't immediately sold. But it kept rattling in my brain.

When I saw her again last weekend, we talked about it a bit more and she loaned me the book. I read through the diet on Sunday night and decided to launch on Monday. But wait - why this diet? First, it's not a gimmicky diet - it's actually very scientifically based (the book reads at times like a textbook). Second, it feels like something I can do. And if I can do it and it gets results as Tim claims it will, I may as well give it a shot.

The premise (read the chapter in the book or visit Tim's blog post about it here) is that 6 days per week you eat meals comprised only of protein, legumes, and veggies (with some condiment stuff allowed). Then, on the 7th day (whatever day you choose, though keep it consistent week to week), no rules apply - eat anything you want. As Tim explains it: "Dramatically spiking caloric intake in this way once per week increases fat loss by ensuring that your metabolic rate doesn’t downregulate from extended caloric restriction. That’s right: eating pure crap can help you lose fat. Welcome to Utopia."

Utopia? I'm in.

So I started on Monday morning and have been *very* good all week. I found the restricted food options to be difficult only a few times - for the most part, I actually enjoy the simplicity of meat-legumes-veggies for every meal. I even managed to tough it out last night at a catered hawaiian BBQ - I stuck with salad (oil/vinegar dressing), chicken, and red wine. What's that? Yes - red wine is allowed and even encouraged.

Today is my "cheat day" and I weighed myself when I got up - down 1.6 pounds since Monday morning. I ate an "on-plan" breakfast as Tim suggests (this morning = 2 HB eggs, 1/2 can black beans, and steamed spinach) then drank 8 oz pure grapefruit juice before dipping my toe into the "cheat day" waters with a maple bar from Frost doughnuts. Suuuuuuper yummy. I've also ingested some mint Oreos and Lay's Classic chips - enough that the inside of my mouth is scraped raw in spots from the salt. I'm about to take a nap (a necessity due in part to all the carbs partying in my bloodstream) and tonight am heading to women's roller derby (so fun) with J and TDM after a stop at Lombardi's for Happy Hour dinner - I'm thinking about spaghetti or wood-fired pizza. There might be a cocktail thrown in, too (I'm looking at you, Vodka Gimlet). I don't anticipate being drawn in to any crap at the arena with my belly full of delicious italian food, but I did buy a box of one of my favorite cereals (Honey Bunches of Oats) at the store this morning (along with my grass-fed beef, veggies, and assorted legumes in preparation for next week), so I reserve the option to have a bowl of cereal around 8pm tonight. And some blueberries.

I haven't had an iced latte today (which was one thing I missed all week) because I'm afraid of what the milk will do to my guts after a week of being dairy-free. I already know I'm sensitive to lactose and can get myself into trouble if I don't watch the quantity (milkshakes tend to "do me in" so to speak). So a dose of milk all of a sudden? I'm not interested in risking it today. And no, I definitely don't want a soy latte - gross.

Though the knowledge of the cheat day has been very helpful in staying on-plan during the week (I'm not going to eat it now, but I can have it on Saturday), I think this day of hedonism might also make it tough to get back on the wagon tomorrow - that bowl of eggs, beans and spinach in the morning will lose some luster against the memory of cereal and doughnuts and fruit. I can do it, though ...

Onward!

 

40x40 - A Look Back at Week One

Well, week one is complete and there was a loss! Now, before I give you the details, I have to explain that I'm pretty sure some (not all) of the loss is due to scale differences. I weighed in last week at home but this week the scale wouldn't work (dead battery?) so I trudged down to the Weight Watchers meeting and stepped on their scale. Down 3.4 pounds.

Again - seems like a totally awesome loss for the week, but if I had to guess I'd say it's not completely accurate ...  BUT I'LL TAKE IT! It makes the "Actual Progress" line on my 40x40 chart dip down which is almost the most important thing right now.

I've shaken off most of the angry, bitter, fat-girl rantings from last week and am feeling more confident in my ability to succeed. Talked to my therapist last night about goals and why I am not super great at setting them or working towards them or achieving them. I also gave him this blog address (hi JB!) so we'll see if he gains any new insights into my fascinating personality.

Two changes I've made this week relating to the diet (... besides the fact that I'm actually back on the diet) are that I purchased a Weight Watchers paper food journal and I've cancelled my meetings membership.

 - Paper Food Journal vs. iPhone App: Having the ability to access the WW database from anywhere, any time on my phone has been tremendously helpful in staying on plan. However, the app does run a bit slow, and I've found that after faithfully entering my food (mostly) day after day for over 5 months, I'm just kind of burned out on it. I'm hoping the book format and pen-to-paper action will spice things up a bit for the next few months. Plus I miss being able to review what I've eaten in the past - it's possible online, but not as easy as flipping through pages. PLUS there are recipes and daily tips ... not cheesy eye-rolling encouragement quotes (which y'all know I hate), but non-annoying reminder tips like "If you know you have a busy day, plan ahead. Pack healthy meals and snacks to keep you on track." ... What's that? Like what I just did today? Cuz yeah - I'm pretty awesome like that (until the moment I'm completely not awesome like that).

 - Online Weight Watchers Member vs. Meetings Member: I've been paying the $40 a month to have access to the meetings and have been dutifully hauling myself in to get weighed every week. When I started I did stay for the meetings about 6 times but then stopped - I am just really not a meetings person. I get that it can be helpful to talk about food and healthy choices and challenges and resisting temptation and the rest. It's just ... ug. It's so perky and cheery and polite and supportive and I just. can't. take it. It wasn't doing anything for me and, since I'm also trying to get a tighter grip on my finances, I decided to go rogue and do online only. I'm definitely going to have to figure out the scale situation because I have a tic when it comes to not being absolutely sure down to the ounce that all factors are precisely the same from week to week - I'm handling the scale shake-up from last week to this week fairly well, actually. However, it's probably time to invest in my very own Weight Watchers scale - I like this one except it's $60 which seems like a RIDICULOUS amount to spend on a scale. But they're totally pushing my buttons with language like this: Engineered to the highest precision standards, it uses semiconductor technology with a multiple load cell system for excellent accuracy. Semiconducter technology? A multiple load cell system? I don't know what that is but I WANT IT.

Okay - heading into week 2 feeling good. I'm going to the Seattle Sounders vs. Manchester United soccer match tonight, which sounds like it's going to be a pretty crazy event, crowds-wise. As long as I get my 5 PointsPlus stadium hot dog with 4 PointsPlus bun before the game ends, I'm happy. Yes, I'm having a greasy, salty, beefy hot dog at the game and it's totally okay because I have planned ahead and packed a nutritiously counteracting lunch and snacks. I'm noshing on my fave right now: Wallaby organic lowfat vanilla yogurt with fresh blueberries. Reminds me of days of yore ...

On a side note, in preparation for getting home after the game, I parked my car near a Dick's location. Who wants to bet that J will suggest we get a burger before we go home? Anyone? I'm about 127% sure that she will and the very thought of it annoys me as I'm only 98% sure I can resist the suggestion. Stay tuned ...